“Bobby Jenks”It hurts to say it, but Bobby has got to go. Not leave the Sox closer position, he needs to be gone. Off the squad. I’m probably overreacting because he almost gave away a 4-run lead today in the bottom of the 9th, but bear with me. Jenks has coasted off of 2005 and 2006. He burst on the scene during the Sox championship run as the fat country boy who could throw 101 mph. That was cool, especially since he was closing out World Series games, but that seems like it was eons ago. Bobby is still fat and country, but now he’s overpaid and only throws 95 mph. Usually outside the strike zone. He’s getting paid $7.5 million for a 5+ ERA and more hits allowed than strikeouts. Gimme Matt Thornton.
“Pi Phi”Ohio University’s chapter gets it in. And out. And in again. Aside from giving up the draws any and everywhere at their formal, the sorority sisters did about $47,000 in damage. People were “vomiting everywhere, defecating in urinals, flipping over buffet tables and storming the bar when refused service.” Rowdy. You can read the entire damage report over on The Smoking Gun. The kicker for me is the sign-off the host venue gives the Pi Phis: “Needless to say, your sorority will no longer be welcome in our facility.”
This little Sumatran baby smokes 2 packs of cigs a day. No word on how his baby teeth are doing despite all this. And he’s still pretty fat for a chain smoker. Maybe his pops is on to something by taking the “fuck it” approach. Props HuffPost.
“Oprah”Taju, Ike, Eryn, Kira and I talked about this last night. How would you spend your money if you were absurdly wealthy? “Oprah rich”, if you will. Like a lot of people surely would if they actually had billions of dollars at their disposal, I said I’d spend my money obnoxiously. Everything I invested my money in would have my name on it: university buildings, skyscrapers, candy. Oprah beat me to it, though. The Oprah Store will soon be opening at Water Tower Place. Now everybody’s mom’s will be getting Oprah foot lotion and Oprah exfoliating cream for Mother’s Day. Props ChiTrib.
“Strippers”Who hits strippers raw, besides Albert Haynesworth? Al’s being sued for $10 million by NYC pole star Silvia Mena – “a Salma Hayek lookalike” (ha!). Unprotected sex is a major slip in and of itself, but it happens. Just not with strippers. I hope she gets him for $20 million. Props TBL.
“Habitual Line Steppers”Fast food restaurants are second only to Rick James in this category. Every year, there’s a limited-edition dish that has customers curious and health professionals mad. In 2010, we’ve been lucky enough to have 2 such instances: the epically gaudy KFC Double Down, and now come Burger King’s Fire Grilled Ribs. If you think I’m bullshitting, take a walk down to Clark Street today and see for yourself. Little tiny ribs – bones and all – with dipping sauce. At Burger King. There are two possibilities here, because this has turned the rib game upside down. Either BK has genetically engineered miniature cows specifically for their mini rib meat, which is probably the coolest shit ever. Or, BK has figured out how to totally eliminate the cow from the rib-making process and mass produce millions of identical ribs, which is probably the most diabolical shit ever.
“Parenting”
Props to Adeze for showing me this video of her nephew being borderline tortured/trying to quench his thirst via iPad. Brandon here is probably the most patient infant in the country. I’m 20, and I would’ve given that Apple water like 3 tries before I chalked it up as a loss and headed to the tap.
“Auditions”Peep Vanessa’s friend Charly Arnolt. She’s hoping to get on as a field reporter for Nike, and she’s pretty talented. Really talented. Check out her video here, and leave a nice rating. DC never fails to remind me why I should’ve taken Howard’s offer.
“White Chocolate”
We all remember Jason Williams. The tatted, no-look passing, swirling point guard that every kid mimicked at the park. That was then, though. Now he’s just a tatted, bench-riding, country-ass point guard that every kid used to mimic at the park. I probably would have a short fuse after playing the Marcellus Wallace to the Boston Celtics’ Zed for the past week too, so I can’t hate on Williams for going off on the reporters. Via TBL.
“Fuckery…Serious Fuckery” I’m tempted to call this NSFW. Not b/c of any nudity or anything, but just YouTube “daggering” and you’ll understand. Above is probably the funniest, wildest, most ashamed-grandmother-head-shakingly ratchet video I may have ever seen. Major Lazer, which consists of DJs Diplo and Switch, goes hand in hand with daggering. They’ve been so kind to provide all you novices out there with a tutorial on the fine art. Ladies, you’ll probably have an easier time getting your part down. Props (I guess) 2DBz.
“Gift Raps”That’s the name of the new Chuck Inglish x Chip Tha Ripper project that, according to Chuck, all got laid down in 6 days. Normally, I’d be skeptical about an album that was made in less than a week. But, Chuck is a monster on the boards. And we already know what Chip is gonna be rapping about – sluts, weed, weed, weed. Sounds like a success if I’ve ever heard one. Props Andrew.
“Nelly”So the rumors are true after all. STL’s most famous entertainer – I’ll let you formulate your own opinions of what that says about the city of St. Louis – is headlining Dillo Day. Although it is in fact 2010 and not 2000, I’m still a little excited. Now, instead of only singing the hook to “Pimp Juice” after a healthy dose of medicine, I can get my 5th grade on in public. Mayfest says they brought him “because he is an awesome rapper“. Not sure about all that, but you’ve got to have something going for you if you go 8x platinum with a Band-Aid on your fucking face.
“Responses”Drake – 9am In Dallas Freestyle by dallaswright921Here’s a “freestyle” from Wheelchair Jimmy talking about how much money he makes and how his critics should stop being critics. Props TSS. *As an aside, can we stop with the “Free [insert guilty rapper]“? Please? Wayne, Gucci, TI, C-Murder, etc. These dudes either pleaded guilty or provided so much incriminating evidence that the judge told the jury to just stay home. Might as well say “Free Charles Manson”. Different crime, just as guilty.
“Tragedy”I saved this for last just because it’s tough to follow something like this with Major Lazer. RIP to Thomas Wortham and support to his family after he was shot and killed in front of his parents’ home on 85th and King Drive last night. Dude was CPD and just got back from his second tour in Iraq. Damn. All he was doing was showing his family the new motorcycle he bought, and four cowards ran up on him. His father, the elder Thomas did all he could to save his son. All he could. All he could as in coming outta the crib with double pistols and feeding two of the scumbags their daily requirement of lead. As an ex-cop, he was allowed to own the weapons and won’t be charged with anything. But his son is gone. Over a motorcycle. My city…
“Tila Tequila”Props to Adeze for forcing me to read the Smoking Section x Tila Tequila interview yesterday. Tila raps with David Dennis about her…uh…shit, what’s the word…not budding….oh, yeah….imaginary music career. The highlight of the whole sitdown has to be when David asks her to give him the hottest verse on her album. Listen for yourself. “Bitch, slap on the extra makeup. I’ll be on the grind tryna get my ca…get my cake up.”
And people ask me why I want to go on my JR with these cats. Props 2DBz.
“Shannon Brown”
This happened on Monday night, but it’s still post-worthy. As a former dunk champion, you’d think Jason Richardson would know better than to try to take a charge right in front of the hole. Especially with Shannon Brown taking off right in front of him. This missed dunk is better than 90% of the made ones from this year. Imagine if he put it down. The game would’ve had to stop and Richardson would’ve been escorted to the locker room. No coming back from that.
“Battle of the Bands”Congrats to Looney and the Tunes, Ken Ross and his band, and everybody else who rocked Battle of the Bands over the weekend. Looney x The Tunes x Dillo Day is gonna be an experience.
“Collapses”I was going to say ‘choking’, but I’ve been on the diamond for a huge comeback and it can be crushing. Thank god I was on the fun, winning side of the collapse, though. The NU baseball team wasn’t so lucky yesterday, giving up a 14-0 lead to Michigan on their way to a 15-14 loss. And yes, they were playing baseball. It’s almost inconceivable, losing a lead that big during a baseball game. Everything has to go wrong for you while, simultaneously, everything has to go right for your opponents. Hopefully the guys can recover and stay above .500
“P-Funk”First and foremost, props to my old man for subliminally putting me on to the genre since I was a youngster. There are still old Parliament-Funkadelic LPs laying around our basement. If you don’t listen to p-funk, funk, or anything else of the sort, you need to get your music game up. There’d be pretty much nothing for hip-hop to sample if not for p-funk. Plus, how can you top a name like The Ohio Players?
“Delonte West”There’s a rumor floating around that Mr. West has been staining LeBron’s mom, explaining why LeBron was playing so poorly in Games 4-6 of the East Finals. As absurd as this sounds – this is like Goebbels banging Hitler’s mom right before Stalingrad – it could’ve happened. A role player piping your mother down and everybody finding out about it isn’t the easiest thing to play through. I only need one more piece of evidence to believe this story: LeBron has to break Delonte’s back Bolo-style during the offseason.
“Cleveland”Must be a dark day in Cleveland. Even though it’s like 4:30. Still, from the sports reports coming out of LeBron City, you’d think an atomic bomb hit or something. Mike Brown will be fired by Memorial Day. Not so sure about LeBron, but if I had to bet I’d bet on him staying in Cleveland. Sure him and Derrick Rose dominating at the United Center would be cool, but Cleveland can win 60 games again next year. They give LeBron the best chance to win right now at this very moment, and I have to believe that is what matters most to him. All they need is a Rondo stopper. Pick up Thabo Sefalosha or somebody like that.
“Fuckery”
Props to TBL for this, the funniest news clip in the history of journalism. A New Orleans news team was wrapping up a story on a new G-spot enhancement procedure (I know), when the male anchor, Mike Hill, failed magnificently while trying to wrap the story up. I can’t even ruin it for you, just watch.
“America”Things like this White Castle-scented candle are what make this the greatest country the world has ever seen. Props TBL.
“Law & Order”Everybody’s favorite detective show got the axe today. NBC says the finale will air on May 24. Insert “Dum Dum” sound.
“Original Fake”Peep these guaranteed-expensive (anybody know many dollars 10,000 Japanese Yen is?) Original Fake x Bicycle playing cards. I could give a damn about the back of my cards, but these go hard nonetheless. Props HypeBeast.
An alternative sports league is making some waves on the innernets today. The 420 Football League (420FL) has been contacted by the league after their logo was discovered. I’m confused as to why logo rights are what the league is griping about, seeing as games in the 420FL are won by holding bong rips in as long as possible. These guys probably get Hubble Telescope high after one game. Props TBL.
“Nature”
The ocean is a scary place. Actually, the entire world is. There’s plenty of shit out there that will eat you without hesitation. Or difficulty. Things like this giant octopus, for example. Not only is it like 15 feet long and can blend in with its surroundings – imagine your Ford Explorer being able to camouflage itself – but it will also end you with a quickness. C’mon. This thing just caught and killed a shark in like 2 minutes. I don’t even think octopi have mouths, it just killed the shark b/c he was annoyed with all the swimming going on. Imagine what it’d do to you. Props HuffPost.
“Grass” I think this is a cultural thing. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been told to “keep your ass of the grass.” I don’t know why Black people have such an intense protectiveness of their lawns, or where it came from. I just know that you don’t walk on somebody’s grass, especially if you don’t know them. Just ask Joshua Funches. Actually, wait, you can’t. He just got killed for letting his dog do the do on another guys lawn. A man is dead so I’ll keep it pretty tasteful, but do we really have to keep it all the way G while we’re walking the dog? If my dog shits in a yard and a guy comes out with a strap pointed at me, I doubt the first thing out of my mouth would even be coherent, let alone “Next time you pull out a pistol, why don’t you use it?” Props Sun Times.
“Mike Tyson”
When I make it big and start making TV shows or whatever, I’m getting Mike Tyson on my shit. Period. He’s the funniest athlete ever. And not even in an intentional way. More like in an Eli Porter-type of way. Check out the masterpiece that is Tea With Tyson…..”Please, toast with me.” Props HuffPost.
“Desperation”We already know that the Cavs are done. What we don’t know is where LeBron will end up next year. I hope to god that it isn’t New York, but, in light of the Scores strip club offer he’s received, I can fully understand LeBron going to the Knicks. The NYC Scores has promised James “access to the ladies of Scores for the rest of his life” if he plays for the Knicks next season. That’s code for “You can bang all the strippers in my club, LeBron. Just hook me up with some floor seats,” but still. Hell of a signing bonus if you ask me. Props TBL.
Peeped this crazy video of a miniature cannon over at TBL. I don’t really have much else to say about it besides that. The awesomeness speaks for itself.
“Bad Nights”I’ve had my share of bad nights (see: Barcelona), but nothing as bad as Carlos Boozer had on Monday night. Not only did his Jazz get swept out of the playoffs on their home floor, he fouled out too. Then, as he left the stadium, the Lakers thought it would be funny to play chicken with Boozer’s Escalade without telling Boozer they were playing chicken. That’s a bad night. At least as bad a night as you can have when you make 8 figures.
“Comedy”
Via Guyism, here’s a list of the 10 best stand-up comedians ever. Of course, this list is fraudulent b/c Richard Pryor is not number 1. Whoever wrote this should be tarred and feathered. Also, how does Chris Rock not make this list? Steve Martin is nowhere near as funny, in my completely and utterly biased opinion.
“LeBron”Seeing as they got that ass waxed last night AT HOME last night, you might as well come to The Go, LeBron. *It’ll never happen, but it’s fun to dream.*
“Nerd Hop”Jordan Looney’s latest mixtape – Nerd Hop Vol. 3 – drops tonight. Check back here for your free download, or hit Pwelbs and Hold My Coat. Support good music and get used to hearing about Jordan Looney. He’s here to stay.
“Bars”
The homie Jarred Garcia has ‘em for days. Even back in the Payton days, dude was rapping his ass off. He sent me this TwitVid last night, and Jarred goes in over a Dilla beat. 2 minutes straight. Fuck with him. B4L.
“Lena Horne“Rest in peace to one of the most talented, beautiful, courageous artists we’ve ever seen. Ms. Horne passed today at age 92. Not only was she fine like wine, she was one of the 20th century’s most versatile entertainers. She sang, acted, and was deeply committed to issues of civil rights. We lost one of the greats today. A truly strong black woman.
“The Name”Dallas Braden upheld the name well yesterday, throwing a perfect game against the Tampa Bay Rays. I don’t know what it is about the name Dallas. It’s reserved for only the coldest of cats. Props Yahoo Sports.
“Public Opinion”
Props to Darrius on the link. I don’t know why, but it seems like local Chicago media is doing their best to get people around the world – including Chicagoans – to believe that the city is like a stage on Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. I understand that 120 or so murders in just over 4 months is a terrible stat, but why is this year any different than the past? Back in the 90s, during the height of the crack era and before gentrification erased the projects, the murder rate was OD. Nearly 1000 people a year. Vietnam numbers. We’re on pace for about a 40% of that in 2010. And we haven’t even gotten to to summer yet. If we’re living in hell right now, I can’t imagine what things will be like in July and August. Might have to stay in Evanston. The worst thing about all the violence and ensuing bad press is that people are starting to really believe that The Go is like Beirut. A commenter on this video from WSHH: “Chicago = the new Detroit”. Damn….
Freddie Gibbs new video – “The Ghetto” – premiered on MTV today. It went on right after “Brenda’s Got A Baby”. I don’t know why I included that. Regardless, this made my day. Not only is the video/song cold, but it’s heartening to see a artist as talented and who has worked as hard as Gibbs has finally get his due. Listen to Freddie Gibbs. He’s better than your favorite rapper’s favorite rapper. Props FSD - and shouts to Drew for producing the video.
“Mic Terror”One of my favorite rappers out of Chicago. He’s funny as hell, plus he can rap his ass off. Mic T just dropped off his latest project – Can I Borrow A Feeling – and it’s dope as usual. Props FSD. Again.
“May 10th”
Nerd Hop Vol. 3coming on Monday. Support good music. And, in case Looney’s too far ahead of you, here’s a verse breakdown to catch you up to speed. Props…me!
“Members Only”Jack Threads has a sale on Members Only jackets going on right now. I kid you not. Leather and all. They even have the Thriller joint. If you aren’t on Jack Threads, leave me your email address in the comment section and I’ll send you an invite. It’s free access to nice clothes on sale. What’s not to like?
“Reality”The White Sox suck. I’ve come to terms with this after 5 weeks of saying “It’s early, they’ll get it together.” The reality of the situation is that they won’t. Despite having Andruw Jones remember how to swing a bat suddenly, despite having the speed that Ozzie bitched for the past two years, and despite having one of the AL’s best rotations on paper – Buehrle, Peavy, Danks, Floyd are all 15-game winners – the Sox won’t do any better than 3rd in the Central this year. They couldn’t score at a swingers convention.
It hurts to say it, but Bobby has got to go. Not leave the Sox closer position, he needs to be gone. Off the squad. I’m probably overreacting because he almost gave away a 4-run lead today in the bottom of the 9th, but bear with me. Jenks has coasted off of 2005 and 2006. He burst on the scene during the Sox championship run as the fat country boy who could throw 101 mph. That was cool, especially since he was closing out World Series games, but that seems like it was eons ago. Bobby is still fat and country, but now he’s overpaid and only throws 95 mph. Usually outside the strike zone. He’s getting paid $7.5 million for a 5+ ERA and more hits allowed than strikeouts. Gimme Matt Thornton.
Ohio University’s chapter gets it in. And out. And in again. Aside from giving up the draws any and everywhere at their formal, the sorority sisters did about $47,000 in damage. People were “vomiting everywhere, defecating in urinals, flipping over buffet tables and storming the bar when refused service.” Rowdy. You can read the entire damage report over on The Smoking Gun. The kicker for me is the sign-off the host venue gives the Pi Phis: “Needless to say, your sorority will no longer be welcome in our facility.”
Taju, Ike, Eryn, Kira and I talked about this last night. How would you spend your money if you were absurdly wealthy? “Oprah rich”, if you will. Like a lot of people surely would if they actually had billions of dollars at their disposal, I said I’d spend my money obnoxiously. Everything I invested my money in would have my name on it: university buildings, skyscrapers, candy. Oprah beat me to it, though. The Oprah Store will soon be opening at Water Tower Place. Now everybody’s mom’s will be getting Oprah foot lotion and Oprah exfoliating cream for Mother’s Day. Props ChiTrib.
Who hits strippers raw, besides Albert Haynesworth? Al’s being sued for $10 million by NYC pole star Silvia Mena – “a Salma Hayek lookalike” (ha!). Unprotected sex is a major slip in and of itself, but it happens. Just not with strippers. I hope she gets him for $20 million. Props TBL.
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