MEXICO- The Mexican police was surprised to find a furry anthropomorphic mascot by the side a local highway yesterday morning. Willie the Wildcat, after a nonstop drinking binge that has lasted “since the Army game,” reportedly spent the entire night boozing it up until he finally wandered two miles outside Cancun and passed out near a gas station.

Unbeknownst to the Northwestern community, Willie took a private jet to Cancun several weeks ago, and had his long-lost twin brother, Mac, cover for him at NU’s football games.  Willie, who is currently in the Santa Maria hospital, said he was “tired of this shit” and “wanted to party, hard” when he decided to leave the US.

In a candid interview just hours after he was found unconscious in the Yucatan mud, Willie talked about the reasons behind his drinking.

“I couldn’t take it anymore: the games, the fans, the losses…” he said. “I was sick of performing, sick of everything. Plus no one has ever asked me if I even like football. I’m more of a badminton fan.”

Willy also admitted he has been battling alcoholism for many years.

“It’s tough out there for mascots,” said the giant, 8-foot tall imitation of a wildcat. “Drinking is just the way I cope with the pressures of being one. In all honesty, this is the first day I’ve been sober since 1996.”

Willie’s drunken rampage in Cancun for the past few weeks has apparently devastated the city’s downtown area, which is now being rebuilt with loans from the World Bank. Willie, with his identity now revealed by the Mexican police, is currently being sued by fourteen different nightclubs for causing hundreds of thousands of dollars’ worth of damage.

All that can be said with certainty is that Northwestern University’s football program – and the Mexican municipality of Benito Juarez – will never be the same.

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