President Barack Obama announced last night that Osama Bin Laden was found by U.S. Hide & Seek personnel in a compound in Abbottabod, Pakistan, a town of about 120,000. The house Bin Laden had been staying in had 12-foot walls and was eight times the size of its neighbors’. The house had no phone or television and the residents burned their trash. The house had high windows and few points of access, and U.S. officials concluded it had been built specifically for the Hide & Seek World Championship.
Former CIA Director, the Janitor, was forced to resign after making the case that Bin Laden was in Pakistan rather than Afghanistan four years ago. His press secretary and personal doctor, Dr. Elliot Reed, released this statement earlier today:
According to U.S. officials, two helicopters swept into the compound late Sunday night Pakistan time and dropped off 20-25 U.S. Navy SEALs under the command of the Joint Special Operations Command in cooperation with the President of the World H & S Champions League.
After killing all other members of Bin Laden’s team, U.S. officials yelled at him to freeze, as he had finally lost the World H & S title belt. He responded that he had only lost under American rules and continued running.
Middle Eastern rules stipulate that the game is not hide and seek but rather hide and tag, a combination of hide and seek and tag. The game is initially hide and seek, and after the first person has been found, it turns into tag. This variation allows for two techniques: at first the players want to be in well hidden areas, and later they want to be in open areas where escape is easier.
Bin Laden had done a good job of positioning himself for hide and tag, sprinting out of his safe house towards the Sarban hills, using a woman as a human shield. Unfortunately, U.S. forces still had those two helicopters from earlier, which they used to gun him down from behind.
U.S. officials recovered Bin Laden’s body to confirm his identity and obtain the H & S title belt. The World H & S Champions League hopes to turn over the belt to Tyler Perry to stop production on his next film, “Madea Gets a Sex Change.”
Go BZ