All that complaining may be warranted after all. A new study has found that squirrels at Northwestern are cuter than the girls, officially clarifying a long standing campus debate.
In the first large scale comparative analysis of physical attractiveness at NU, researchers showed participants pictures of squirrels and asked them to imagine what they would look like if they were human. The participants, a group of students and professors both male and female, were then asked to rank them on a scale of 1 (Phi Psi) to 10 (Theta Baby).
Using Wildcard photos researchers also asked students to score the cuteness of girls at NU. When the two average scores were compared the squirrels came out on top.
“There is a very close correlation between attractiveness and not going to Northwestern”, lead study author and relationship expert Eli Finkel noted, “we were just trying to quantify the reality.”
The study also compared NU girls to other regional animals such as ducks, swans, carp, University of Chicago students, and sea gulls. While the birds showed no statistically significant difference in cuteness, University of Chicago students and carp lagged considerably.
UChicago students and Carp rated as the least attractive species in the area
“The one piece of good news is that Northwestern isn’t the worst place a 20 year old male on the prowl can spend his time. It is far worse to be at the bottom of a lake or in the Southside of Chicago,” research assistant Ken Kenosha said.
Some however question the project. “I don’t know why my tuition goes towards funding such shallow and misogynistic projects”, a frustrated gender studies major, Caroline Sidney (who coincidently was not cute) said. Research assistant Urzua Serkifsky was quick to shoot back that “students should not worry about my project when NU funds dead industry fields such as renaissance poetry and journalism.”
The study did not attempt to compare male students to animals because, well, there isn’t really a debate. Squirrels are far cuter.
Finkel, an expert on relationships, thinks the study helps explain the active dating scene at Northwestern. “Relativism dominates. Students are able to find adequate partners because everyone is unattractive.”
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Another correlation: the squirrels always put on a LOT of weight in the winter……
You write like a kindergartener.
Further proof that Sig Ep’s discussion of potential members consistently includes the phrase: “Yeah, but is he good-looking?” while discussions of Gone Greek Pairings sound like an American Pie-esque scheme to get laid by “the hot chick” that is Theta.
Cody Kittles: making proponents of “Take Back The Night” cringe since 2010.
Go walk in from of a speeding bus. You are what’s wrong with Northwestern.
why wouldnt a bus going the speed limit do the job?
I’m not sure why “walk[ing] in from” of a bus would do anything.
Sounds like someone’s a little bitter…
Further proof that Sig Ep is responsible for all genocides in the history of the world and in general all human suffering.
This joke has been around about UChicago’s squirrels for a long, long time. C’mon, at least be original.
hahahahaha pretty sweet article. not very PC, but goooood work.
i don’t know why people are so bitter.
i am definitely ugly and not cuter than a squirrel. <3 brittany.
LOOSEN UP WILDCATS.
absolutely hilarious