The corporate arch

Evanston, Ill.- Northwestern University officials announced on Friday that they had sold Northwestern’s defining landmark, the Arch, as well as the smaller, lesser known arch located no more than a hundred yards north on Sheridan Road, in a closed auction on Wednesday, April 15th to the McDonalds Corporation for one billion dollars.

The move to sell the arch comes amidst widespread rumors that the national financial crisis has severely affected the University’s fiscal standing. The statement released to the public stated that the selling of the arch would “[make up for] the enormous losses taken from our endowment this past year.”

According to a statement released by President Bienen on February 25, 2009, Northwestern’s endowment is “plunging” and now stands at a measly $5.6 billion. An anonymous university official stated that several companies contacted the University in response to a post on CRAIGSLIST (www.craigslist.org). The post, which went up in early March of 2009, had the headline: “NORTHWESTERN UNIVERSITY HAS NO $$$$$, NEED SPONSOR FOR ARCH.” According to the University’s statement, the responses were immediate and impressive.

Among the companies that responded were several arch-based companies, including “Arch Wireless”, “Arch Insurance Company” and “Dr. Scholls Arch Support” (who later withdrew their application for the auction upon realizing the word confusion). There were bids from fast food restaurants, which are now thriving in the current economic climate as people buy their products to save money on food. In an intense bidding, McDonald’s was able to beat out Burger King, Wendy’s, and a last minute attempt by Wal-Mart to get the small arch.

McDonald’s high bid came from various stipulations included in the purchase contract. Among them was the changing of Northwestern’s team name to the BigMacs with Ronald McDonald replacing Willie the Wildcat as the official mascot of Northwestern. Class product placement was another major theme in the contract, most notably, McDonald’s non-negotiable request for Michael Bailey, Professor of Human Sexuality, to be wearing a McDonald’s t-shirt and cap at all times. Bailey had no comment on the issue. There is also a stipulation that all course lectures must end with the professor reciting, “This lecture has been brought to you by McDonalds.”

“We are thrilled with our purchase” said Don Thompson, President of McDonald’s America. “We would like to affirm our continued dedication to supporting higher education and look forward to the strategic alliance between Northwestern and McDonalds. Oh and Supersize that, Morgan Spurlock!” Students also received the news with overwhelming support.

Displaced former Mascot Willie the Wildcat, who was replaced after a night of tough negotiations between McDonald's and Northwestern officials.

“It’s awesome!” says Francis Lovecchio, a Northwestern student. “All the dining halls will get totally hooked up: McGriddles in Elder; Snack wraps in Hinman.” To which he added, “Sargent will still suck though. I’m sure they’ll manage to get the Filet o’ Fish.”

Antoine Bassoul, a WCAS freshman, had mixed feelings about the auction. “I’m not totally against making some money selling the arch but, really? McDonald’s? Do girls on this campus really need more Big Macs in their diet?”

The most notable stipulation to the acceptance of the contract would be a change in Northwestern’s crest. As of now, the Latin on the crest reads Quaecumque Sunt Vera, or “Whatsoever Things are True”. McDonalds is having it changed to Ego Amabam Id, which roughly translates to “I’m Loving It”.

When contacted regarding the secondary demands, President Bienen was enthusiastic. “We were happy to meet some of McDonald’s extra demands for the price they were offering. In my mind, we are killing a lot of birds with one stone, or rather one BigMac. If we have to cede a few other minor details in the process, who cares? No one knows what that stupid Latin around our logo says anyways.”

Whatever the outcome of the auction, by Wednesday night the face of Northwestern University will be significantly and irrevocably changed.

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